What’s Your Love Language?

Dr. Gary Chapman identifies five basic categories of love which fill our love tank. Dr. Gary Chapman, a minister and psychologist, reasons that even as a person may have a primary language whether that be English, Spanish, etc., so we have a primary love language. Even as we may have a second language that we learned overseas or at college, so we can have a secondary love language which we may enjoy and appreciate from time to time. All of these are wonderful expressions of love that we all appreciate, but one or two may better fill our love tanks. 1) Quality Time represents an investment in spouse or a family member when in a world of competing demands we prioritize that person. When we clear our calendar, make a date, cancel an appointment at work to be with spouse or family, turn off the TV to spend quality time with a loved one, it communicates interest, priority, and love. Quality Time is one expression of love, but it may be the primary form of love for you or your family member. 2) Words of Affirmation refers to another way in which some people prefer to be loved through words of appreciation and encouragement. Insults or criticisms can especially hurt us if our love language is words of affirmation, or our words of admiration and respect can be healing and therapeutic. 3) Gifts can be tokens or presents that some individuals especially enjoy as an expression of love. It may be a batch of brownies, a bouquet of roses, a souvenir, an envelope of cash, a homemade decoration, some runts, etc. 4) Acts of Service is another facet of love that fills the tank of those who respect different chores or duties that you perform for them like cutting the grass, fixing a meal, tuning up the car, cleaning up the kitchen, etc. 5) Physical Touch is a love language that some regard as the chief means of showing and sharing in love. This expresses itself through hugs, handshakes, backrubs, foot massages, etc. For those with the love language of physical touch, if you haven’t hugged, touched someone, you haven’t loved that person.

Taking a Guess?

1) What is your love language? ____________________

2) What is your second love language? _____________________

3) What is your spouse’s love language? _____________

The secondary love language? _______________

4) What is your child’s (or children’s) love language?

Discovering Your Love Language

For each question, give your top answer a circle and draw a square around your second answer?

  1. Which best describes how you feel?
    1. It makes me feel great just to spend time with the ones I love.
    2. Critical words hurt me more than they do for others.
    3. I love getting a little memento from someone’s trip.
    4. Actions speak louder than words to me.
    5. I need a hug more than most people.
  2. If you were telling someone the best way in which to show you love, what would you say?
    1. If you can’t take time away from work or sports to be with me, you really don’t love me.
    2. One kind compliment means more to me than all the money in the world.
    3. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but I love receiving gifts even if they are handmade.
    4. Don’t tell me that you love me, show me!
    5. Give me a pat on the back because it makes me feel important.
  3. What ways do you love to show others love?
    1. I love to spend time with others; even it’s doing nothing but being together.
    2. I love to encourage folks and build them up through pep talks.
    3. I always enjoy giving my family and friends gifts like cards, flowers, toys, clothes, something I thought they could appreciate.
    4. I think it’s important to do things for others that they need—picking up the groceries, doing the finances, shopping for presents, running errands, etc.
    5. I love to give people a hug and make them feel good.
  4. If others had to describe something about you, what would they most likely say?
    1. You always have time for people.
    2. You always have a positive word for someone who is hurting.
    3. You are known for providing presents—great or small.
    4. You get things done and are very helpful around the house.
    5. You always have a great smile, a big hug, or a great handshake.
  5. Which one is you?
    1. You are never in a rush and always have time for the ones you care about.
    2. You are so uplifting and inspirational and you always make people feel better about themselves through affirming words.
    3. You are great about little gifts, tokens of appreciation, meals, cards, chocolates, new pen, new phone, etc.
    4. You are wonderful about doing anything folks want whether it’s making a phone call, cleaning up the room, going somewhere, taking care of the yard, keeping the car maintained, doing the laundry, etc.
    5. You are such a warm person and you always give great hugs and you love to get close and touch is so important to you.

Please add up the circles for each question and place the totals under the appropriate category. The area with the greatest number of circles represents your primary love language. Please add up the total squares and place the totals under the appropriate category. The area with the most squares designates your secondary love language.

  1. Quality Time
  2. Words of Affirmation
  3. Gifts
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Physical Touch

How do your answers match up with your preliminary guess about your love language?

Now share your love language with your spouse and your children. Based upon the data in this inventory, answer what your spouse and your family member’s love languages are.

Spouse’s Love Language: Primary_________________ Secondary_______________

Child’s Love Language: Primary_______________ Secondary______________

 

Child’s Love Language: Primary_______________ Secondary______________

 

What are the obstacles you face in giving your family the love that they need?

  1. Busyness
  2. Distractions
  3. Selfishness
  4. Ambitions
  5. Job
  6. Lack of Knowledge
  7. Not having Boundaries
  8. My Love Language is not my Spouse’s or Child’s Love Language.

 

What are the steps you can take to learn your spouse or child’s love language?

  1. Do you need to slow down and establish more boundaries for your family and say no to others in order to say yes to more time with your family?
  2. Do you need to work on your compliments and reduce criticisms and praise your family member more through personal conversations, e-mails, cards?
  3. Do you need to shop a little more to buy thoughtful and considerate gifts for the one you love even though you may feel like you can’t afford it or it’s a waste of time?
  4. Do you need to do more for your family that will communicate love to your spouse or kids?
  5. Do you need to be more physically attentive to your spouse and children through appropriate means of touch?